Protecting Your Boundaries

Over the years I have found myself in situations where I should have spoken up but stayed silent to protect the peace, or at least that’s what I told myself.

When I should have left the restaurant because the drunk ‘host’ began shouting at me for some perceived slight, but stayed because I didn’t want to make a ‘scene.’ 

When I had friends to ‘visit’ for a couple of weeks who ended up staying months, but struggled to say ‘leave’ in case it impacted our friendship. 

When someone I used to meet regularly rarely showed much interest in my life, instead telling me everything that was going on in theirs, leaving me feeling defensive and ultimately upset whenever we finally parted company.

All of these situations where I knew my personal worth had been violated in some way, I struggled to deal with.

Now this probably makes me sound like a pushover and I’m not; I just didn’t have clear personal boundaries in place or lacked the skills to maintain these, allowing some people around me to take advantage, consciously or unconsciously. 

Maybe it was growing up in a large family fighting to be heard; maybe it was because I found speaking up in school extremely uncomfortable and didn’t like being seen; maybe it was because I don’t like confrontation. All of these are true in some way.

However, by default, you become the people pleaser — the one whose voice is never fully heard, with your own life experiences being minimised.  

Ultimately it comes down to the value you place on yourself as an individual, and how others reflect that back to you.  

For me, I actively avoided appearing unreasonable because I feared rejection, and that’s the message I heard being reflected back to me.  

That’s not to say I didn’t challenge, but when I did I could feel my heart racing and often struggled to get the ‘right’ words out.  As a result the situation could just escalate, leaving me angry or upset or both, and afterwards I procrastinated endlessly on how I could have handled things differently.    

Having good personal boundaries in place minimises this. These are also vital for your own peace of mind and self-worth. And sometimes those more unpleasant or challenging conversations need to be had. 

Also, when you do assert your boundaries it doesn’t always lead to a negative outcome.  It might be that someone is expecting a pushback.

It’s taken a lot of self-reflection to really understand who I am through various means — journalling; listening to podcasts; reading the endless information available online.

As a result my own boundaries have been easier to put in place. Such as being actively aware of how my body reacts in certain situations, good or bad; checking myself when I start minimising or apologising for my actions or someone else’s behaviour; or just cutting ties when something or someone no longer feels right.  Once I would have thought this was selfish; now I know it’s vital for my well-being.

As with everything, it’s a work in progress and it doesn’t always go according to plan, though now I give myself the grace to reflect when it does go a bit awry.

Most importantly, I’m growing — nurturing the sense of who I am and what my true worth is. Isn’t this what we all deserve