Who actually are we (and why does it even matter)?

I was recently watching an episode of the American sitcom Frasier. Frasier or “Dr Crane”, the main character, had bumped into an old crush he’d had from high school. Despite being a highly successful psychiatrist and appearing confident, he resorted to how he’d acted around her back then – an awkward, blushing teenager barely able to ask her out on a date.   

Of course, this is only a sitcom, but how is it we resort to old and familiar identities when we’re faced with past versions of ourselves?  Instead of the wiser, more mature and a million miles from who we were all those years ago persona, we dredge up who we were 40-plus years ago.   

Ironically Frasier’s idealised image of his high school crush turned out to be a world away from how he’d remembered her – loud, argumentative, a chain smoker.  

Of course change is inevitable, and the image we’ve fixed in our heads of who we still are exists only in our memory. It reminded me how much time we actually waste in our own minds, not realising our true potential because of the many false beliefs we hold about ourselves. 

I don’t fully understand the 14-year old me back then – shy, awkward, struggling to speak up in front of my peers, convinced I wasn’t worthy in some way. So watching Frasier revert to an awkward teenager hit a nerve for sure.  The irony is that despite the weight I placed on others’ opinions of me over 40 years ago, I wouldn’t know most of those people if I passed them in the street.

And we all do it.  How many of us resort to ‘type’ at family gatherings – finding ourselves reacting to a comment instead of walking away or choosing a different response? I’m not saying that every family interaction is challenging, though this is where I believe we most often fall back into who we were back then, ‘readopting’ the label we’ve been given – a label that no longer fits who you are, or maybe never did.   

Through habit and possibly what’s comfortable, we unconsciously reinforce these images of ourselves despite the intervening years, viewing ourselves through the narrow lens of who we still think we are or what others say we are, instead of through the lens of our ever-evolving selves.  But it takes a lot of work.    

And then there’s the push back from those who know you. ‘Who does she/he/they think they are?’  It rocks the status quo.  It can make others feel uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable sometimes. 

It’s taken me a lot of effort to offer myself more self-compassion, and some of that involves dissolving my own labels – and the  labels I’ve assigned to others, consciously or unconsciously.   Of course it doesn’t always go to plan – we’re human after all – but you rise again and try again.

As clichéd as it sounds – it’s about surrounding yourself with the people who love you and have your back. And in certain situations, it may just be you holding you up.  

From my own experience, when you step away from those labels, judgements, and outdated beliefs – even for a moment – you feel that little bit freer. It just takes practice.